Answering the Hard Questions Kids Ask About Dementia

When a child asks, "Will Grandma get better?", the kindest answer is honest and simple: "No, the doctors can't make Grandma's dementia go away. But there are lots of ways we can help her feel happy and loved, and we'll do that together." Pair the truth with reassurance, then let your child ask more.

Why is honesty better than "She'll be fine"?

It is natural to want to protect a child. But according to the National Institute on Aging, most types of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease, are progressive and currently have no cure. If a child hears "She'll be better soon" and then sees Grandma change more, they may feel confused or stop trusting what grown-ups tell them.

Gentle honesty gives children something steady to hold. You don't need every detail. Just make sure what you say is true.

A helpful pattern for any hard question:

1. Answer briefly and truthfully.
2. Add reassurance.
3. Invite more questions.

"That's a really good question. The answer is a little sad, and I'll tell you the truth. Then we can talk about it as long as you want."

If you haven't yet given a basic explanation of what dementia is, our cornerstone article on explaining dementia to kids is a good place to begin.

What should I say when my child asks, "Will Grandma get better?"

This is often the first big question. Try:

"Grandma has an illness called dementia. It's in her brain, and right now doctors don't have medicine to make it go away. Over time, it might get harder for her to remember things. But she will always be your grandma, and we'll keep helping her have good days."

If your child presses, "Will she get worse?":

"Probably, slowly. Some things will change. When they do, I'll tell you, and we'll figure out new ways to have fun with her."

This is honest about the future while promising the child they won't face changes alone.

How do I answer "Is it my fault?" or "Can I catch it?"

Young children often believe their thoughts or actions can cause things to happen. They may quietly wonder if they made Grandma sick by being noisy, or worry that dementia spreads like a cold.

Answer these directly, even if your child hasn't asked out loud:

"Nothing you did made Grandma sick. Not being loud, not being grumpy, nothing. Dementia isn't anybody's fault."

"You can't catch dementia. It's not like a cold or a tummy bug. You can hug Grandma and share snacks with her, and you're safe."

Repeating these messages over time helps. Kids sometimes need to hear them more than once before they feel sure.

What about "Will you get it too?" or "Will I get it?"

This question can catch parents off guard. Children are really asking, "Will I lose you?" and "Am I safe?"

Keep it calm and focused on now:

"Dementia mostly happens to people who are much older, like Grandma, and lots of older people never get it. Right now, I'm healthy, and I'm here to take care of you. If anything ever changes, I'll tell you."

For older children who want more, you can share that doctors are learning about ways people can help keep their brains healthy. The 2024 Lancet Commission on dementia identified 14 risk factors that people may be able to change, such as staying active and protecting hearing, and suggested that nearly half of dementia cases could potentially be prevented or delayed. A simple version for kids:

"Scientists are learning lots about how to keep brains healthy. Moving our bodies, sleeping well and spending time with people we love are all good for our brains."

How do I answer "Will Grandma die?"

This is one of the hardest questions. Your answer depends on your family's situation and beliefs, but honesty still helps.

If death is not close:

"Dementia is a serious illness, and one day it may make Grandma's body very sick. But that's not happening now. Right now, she's here, and we can visit her and love her."

If your family is facing end-of-life care, it is okay to say so gently and to ask a doctor, nurse, hospice team or counselor for support in talking with your child.

Whatever you say, finish with comfort:

"Whatever happens, you won't be alone. We'll be together, and you can always ask me anything."

What if I don't know the answer?

You don't have to have every answer. Saying "I don't know" models honesty and shows that grown-ups can handle uncertainty.

"I don't know the answer to that one. That's a good question for Grandma's doctor. I'll ask, and I'll tell you what I find out."

Then follow through. Coming back with an answer builds trust.

Also notice the feeling under a question. A child asking, "Why does Grandma keep asking the same thing?" may be frustrated. Name it:

"It can feel annoying when Grandma asks the same thing again. That's okay to feel. Her brain can't hold on to the answer right now, so she asks again. You can just answer kindly, or come find me."

Stories can open the door to these conversations too. The Rosemary Rabbit picture book was written to help young children understand a grandparent's dementia, and reading together can make it easier for kids to bring up their questions.